


Despair

by ChocolateKid



Series: Codas [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coda, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Hopeful Dean Winchester, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Dean Winchester, IT'S CANON SUCKERS, M/M, Pain, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:41:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27420610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChocolateKid/pseuds/ChocolateKid
Summary: Coda to 15x18 Despair.Dean dealing with the aftermath of what happened.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Codas [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003359
Comments: 1
Kudos: 87





	Despair

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I couldn't help myself. I had to write something.
> 
> I still can't believe they actually did it. This has been an amazing day and I'm not gonna let anyone taint it, so here, have some pain and some hope, and hopefully a great day!

Dean sits there after it all goes down, staring into nothing and trying to process everything that just happened. He doesn't even know where to start. Billie chasing them, Castiel... confessing, the Empty appearing. It all happened so fast. He barely got a word out.

Is this the end? he asks himself. Is Castiel truly gone? Did he really just confess to him that he... that he was in love with him, only to then disappear?

Because that has to be it, right? Nobody speaks that many words of praise just to tell someone that they love them as a friend. It just doesn't make any sense. But it also doesn't make any sense that Castiel ... badass, Angel of the Lord Castiel ... would be in love with him -- the broken shell of a man Dean is.

He remembers Cas' words. "You're the most caring man on Earth," he said. "You're the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know." And he said it so sincerely. Like he truly, 100% believed it. As if there was no question about it.

And he remembers others' words -- angels' words. That Castiel was lost from the moment he met Dean; that Castiel took a liking to him, that he was _in_ _love_ with him. And he always dismissed them as jokes. He remembers Chuck's words, cursing at Castiel because he was the only version of himself that didn't play by Chuck's rules -- because of Dean.

Fuck, Dean doesn't know what to think. Half of him wants to dismiss what Cas said, ignore them just like he ignored every sign of Castiel's feelings before. But then he remembers Cas' "I love you," and his smile, and the way the Empty instantly appeared to grab him -- and he can't dismiss them anymore. He doesn't believe what Castiel said to be true, but he believes that Cas believed it, and that knowledge breaks his heart in even more pieces.

His cellphone starts ringing. It's Sam, probably checking to see if he's alive. Dean doesn't want to worry him but he also can't answer the phone right now. He's too broken. Too ... empty. He can't face Sam right now because he doesn't know what to say -- how to explain. "Cas is dead because he loves me." Great explanation. "And I feel dead inside, so I might as well be."

He doesn't want to be a bummer.

Dean buries his head in his hands, suppressing a few sobs, the phone continuing to buzz on the floor. "The one thing I want," Castiel said. "It's something I know I can't have."

He could've had it. Fuck, he could've had it all, had he just ... stayed. Had he just told him earlier. Had he just ... let Dean process. If Dean had known before, maybe he wouldn't have stood there like a statue, heart beating hard in his chest, not knowing if it was really happening. Maybe he wouldn't have let Castiel speak the words if he knew they were going to take them away. Maybe he would've...

Who knows what he would've done. It's over now...

...

But it can't be over, Dean decides.

He's not going to sit here, grieving after a love lost. He will fight to get him back, he will right what's wrong. Castiel has come back from worse; he was dead like five times. Dean will find a way to get him back, and if it is the last thing he'll do.

He doesn't have anything left to lose. And if it means tracking down Chuck and beating the shit out of him, he'll do it. If it means begging until his lungs fall out, he'll do it. If it means invading and waking the Empty on his search for Cas, he'll fucking do it.

Nothing will stop him from getting back what's his.

His phone starts buzzing for the fifth time. He picks it up.

"Sam," he says, determined. "I'll make this right."


End file.
